A Random Assortment of Updates | #1

Some things real quick. This started out as a quick update for ONE topic but evolved enough to that I might make an entire category for miscellaneous shit. Behold, ARAU(1).

1: Stream) Regarding the stream, I started graphical work. I think I’m not entertaining to watch so I might as well make the stream look good. Added overlays to games that I play – trying to keep it as plain and simple as possible. Should be much prettier now that I’ve screwed around with 3D. Hope you guys like .gifs in the AFK screen instead of just a plain musical ticker.

2: Personal Server) My Ubuntu server is having problems with its wireless (problem #1) USB dongle. I hate wireless as the connection is slower and USB as opposed to SLI adapters is not ideal. The driver for the little shit won’t work and softlocks the entire OS whenever internet is being used, EVEN IF THE CONNECTION IS ABSENT. Dunno wat do. Ethernet, unlike my current rig, is not a possibility. Wat do.

2a: Mumble Server and Game Servers) I’ll be hosting servers off of this box. One will be a 15slot Mumble Server (www.mikalmirkas.ca:8850 will be the potential IP for it) and maybe other servers that I’ll be playing with Pugrnauts at the time.

3: Homepage) I’ve started designing a simple homepage so I don’t have to default to Google every time. It’ll still have a search engine on the front but I don’t know if people would like a public frontpage that’s based off of iGoogle.

4: Graphical Design) Speaking of #1, commissions are back up. I’ll update the page with updated payment information eventually (because taxes and shit).

5: Avatar) I’m making a new avatar. About fucking time, right? My avatar was made in 2008(?) and I feel it needs to be updated. That concoction was the first project I finished in PS, and there’s obviously a shitton of problems with it. Thing is, it’s going to have the same theme with it but I have not the slightest idea if I’m going to keep the Awesome Face on it. I’m thinking about tossing Sachiel’s face from Neon Genesis Evangelion (or something from KS? Idunno)onto it instead, but I’m not sure if that’s been overdone or not. The background will be a custom one and not some ripped shit off of the internet. It’ll probably be its own background but cropped out to be an avatar (which will be available for download sometime this year).

6: Firefall) IT’S NOT SHIT ANYMORE >MFW NO FACE. A lot of problems from my original update are now RESOLVED, which makes me think that some developers actually read my fucking post. If that’s true, then I’m glad to have boosted the quality of the product. If it hasn’t, even better. Red5 actually figured out their own problems without my aid. I’ll post a full review sometime in August, since the game officially launches on the 28th (hype).

7: Music) I need moar music to listen to. Recommend me shit. It has to be fast moosik and not some shitty mainstream pop/rap/country shit. Not F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X. fast but at least faster than Foo Fighters’ slower songs. Probably gonna go on /mu/ and lurk for a while.

8: Twitter) If you don’t know, @MikalMirkas serves two functions: To update when I produce content over Twitch/here/YouTube and to write completely meaningless things such as RTs. If you enjoy my shit, you should be following me there. I don’t filter my content on here, this is purely for blogging/whining. It’s the easiest form of content production for me as editing is extremely easy. Editing is improving content, and text editing is the easiest form of editing content (i.e. why screenshots are easy to forge).

9: YouTube) I’ll be starting to make more content in the new year. I lack…

10: Motivation) THIS. I LACK IT. 2depressed2work.

Thank You & Reflections

I’d like to thank all the people who still give a shit about me, whether messaging me wishes or giving me gifts.

You might not realize how much it matters to me. It’s not the gifts or the wishes itself that I care about but the intent behind them – that individuals willing go out of their way to essentially tell me, “Hey, bro. We give a shit. That is all.”. That really means a lot to me, even if there’s not a good way to show it. As someone who socially isolates themselves from the rest of the world, it’s nice to know that even if I off myself, there will be a shockwave of emotional backlash and not just a drop in the puddle of time.

I’d also like to apologize again for being inactive with my content. I’m struggling to find motivation even though I sincerely want to stream or type out stuff.

Now, for a nice tie-in. I’ve come to the conclusion that I may not suffer from depression. I may just be a sad person with suicidal ideation. Why? Here’s a backstory. When I was 10, I had to move away from my friends, my hopes, my dreams. All of my wants and needs ripped from me like getting your hair ripped directly out of your head, and then getting curbstomped. I sat in my room for a month straight, crying. No bullshit, my parents were concerned as fuck and I’m pretty sure I made them feel like shit by association. Of course, at the time, I didn’t care. I was egocentric. At this point, I’m pretty sure I suffered from PTSD, except the trigger was my environment. Anyway, what did this cause? It caused me to break myself and rebuild myself in my own image. I had chosen to socially isolate myself as all my past relationships had caused me immense pain, the like of which that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. This also had a really nasty side effect of developing awareness. At the age of 10, I started questioning everything. Finding my own answers using a version of the scientific method. Awareness is like Pandora’s Box. Once you choose to cast aside ignorance, you’ll continually find pain through knowledge. Every lie becomes an insult. You can’t close the box. You have to deal with that for the rest of your life. It hurt me. I can admit, I’m far from perfect and am not within a steel cage. I’ve grown tolerant of my psychosis, but that doesn’t end at my emotional pain. I take my antidepressants. They help. The issue is the physical pain that incites further lethargy. By being a sad individual with no meaningful long term goals or aspirations, I have no motivation. By not having motivation to do anything, I have less physical energy. By having less energy, I have less motivation. I was talking with my psychotherapist and he basically told me that I have the knowledge to move forward and that we shouldn’t meet anymore, because everything I told him added up. He told me that I have to find my way, and that it will be hard and that it may not even happen. Of course, I agree.

If you actually made it through that wall of text, congratulations.

I’ll try to get my life back on track and actually get shit going.